when the day seems long

It's been a busy day. Work this morning, then Sarah and I shot a wedding, and finally a group of us played trivial pursuit and went out for shakes at sonic. fun times. I'm surprisingly not tired, though. I think I might actually read a bit before I go to bed. I'm in a weird place in "Jayber Crowe" (yes, i'm still finishing it) where I know I will finish it while I'm out of town, so I have to take a second book to start. I miss traveling a lot. It's one of my favorite times to read. Actually, I've REALLY been missing traveling lately. I'm really coveting Whit's life at the moment. (Whit is currently playing guitar, touring with Plumb and is maybe one of two people who read this. Hey Whit! ;) ) It's weird because I've had days lately of feeling really satisfied and excited about things that are happening or could be happening. Maybe that's it... the looking forward. They haven't happened yet, but they could...and that's what gets me every time. I remain in a posture lately that is at best anticipatory. I like what I'm doing, I just.... well, i just want to be on the road playing music, really...music I believe in with people I love. That sounds like a tall order. I miss playing in a band and creating something greater than yourself, about getting behind something you believe in...there's something indescribable about it. so, i'll stop trying to do so now. I think that's a big part of it for me. There are things I really love and believe in that I really want to happen...or succeed...or whatever you call it. And if I can help that happen in any way, I get crazy excited. I have a feeling none of this will make much sense to anyone else, but, so it goes. The whole thing seems silly if I step back and think about it. I should be grateful for what I have been given, which is much. And yet... the longing remains.

I'm heading out of town for a while next week. I leave for Dallas, Texas on the 11th for Shea and Catherine's wedding, then arrive back in Nashville for a few hours before leaving for Florida for RUF Summer Conference. Aaaanyway. The trips will be fun, I'm sure, but it's making these last few days I have in town crazy. My looking forward to the trip does includes getting to spend some quality time and to better know some RUF friends, but I must confess many of the things I'm looking forward to involve my leper-like social skills. Environments like that often create in me a desire to spend a great deal of time alone. Not so much out of annoyance of others or anything, I just like it. I'm sure there's more to it than that, though. But, I trust that the very struggles that keep me from intimacy are the very best places for intimacy to happen. I trust in all my unrest and longing that God is committed to my good, though I am not. I have traded one idol for another. I have deemed solitude worthy because I enjoy it sometimes, not because I long to process through things I should or meditate on truths to bring me back to sanity. I have filled days with company and evaded real community. Marva Dawn says "If we find out what true community costs, we often don't want to pay it." Basil Pennington said, “The rigorous demands of true friendship…the gift of one’s self, one’s time, one’s preferences (that's so great and telling), the nakedness and honesty, are beyond the price most are willing to pay. But those who have not experienced it, don’t know what is purchased by such a price. Anyone who has been graced with true friendship, though, knows how it is worth it." But do we have that kind of true friendship? Gosh, I'm helplessly thankful that anything I encounter or invent that keeps me from being who I was made to be... that keeps me from "getting it right" has been conquered. I must continue to tell myself that even in my unbelief. Oh, that we might find brothers and sisters that would be committed to our good than our favor. Oh that we might be made into those same people.

good night, friends.
i love you all.



p.s. go listen to sandra's "Rock of Ages (When The Day Seems Long)"...it came on during the beginning of this blog and five plays later, it's still on repeat. I don't think I'll ever not want to hear that song.
http://www.igracemusic.com/sandrahymns/index.htm